HOUSE COMMITTEE ADDS GOD TO GENOCIDE LIST!

The U.S. House of Representatives Foreign Affairs Committee decided to broaden its resolution condemning the Ottoman Empires genocide of Armenians to include a few more historical events. Not wanting to offend just the Turks, the Committee thought they should spread the condemnations. Citing the contagious new disease, Bush-itis, which makes you want to offend everyone, allies in particular, The Committee felt they should set the historical records straight.

The new resolution has labeled as genocide the following events or actions: the Assyrian Empire, the Peloponnesian War, the Amalekites and the Midianites, the Third Punic War, the Mongols, Christopher Columbus, Spain in general and the Inquisition, the U.S. slaughter of native Americans, the Slave trade, Argentina, the British for their actions in Australia, the French Revolution, the Germans for their actions in South-West Africa, the UK for the Irish famine, the Russians, the Nazis, Croatia, Guatemala, Bangladesh, the Tutsi, the Khmer Rouge, Indonesia, Lebanon, Iraq, the former Soviet Union, China for their actions in Tibet, Brazil, Bosnia, Rwanda, Sudan, and the Pope for the slaughter of the Cathars and Pagans in general, and God and his angels for their action in Egypt and the general smiting of those opposed to Him.

The White said that they were pleased that the Committee did not just single out Turkey since we still need our bases in their Country. Deputy Press Secretary Scott Stanzel said that while more historical could have been a part of the resolution, it will do for now. He added that he hopes the committee will tackle this touchy subject again next year in the hopes of telling historians what should be in the history books rather than relying upon common sense and historical conjecture.

In response to the Committee’s resolution, not only has Turkey recalled its ambassador but the Vatican, England, Spain, Russia, China, most Latin American countries, Indonesia and every country mentioned or implied in the resolution has followed Turkey’s lead. It has been noted that angels have been seen at the U.S. Treasury erasing the words, In God We Trust from U.S. currency in retaliation for the Biblical implications of genocide.

Committee members were not concerned over the recent diplomatic events as they assured each other that their actions would get them some votes at re-election time from the groups that have been targets of the genocides cited in the resolution. Their only real concern was the angelic activity but, they placated themselves by admitting that the removal of the phrase on the currency would gain the votes of the atheists. They were further heartened by the fact that the President had not as yet alienated all of these groups and they were pleased to beat the White house to the punch.